After contemplating about writing about a woman’s experience I thought it would not be fitting to write as an outsider but to take the form of that woman and write in her place and share not only her hurts after rape but her journey in the past year and hopes as she usher in a New Year.
By Zipho Meyiwa
An article that I read a while ago said that “sometimes the best way to express how you feel is to write it down in the hope that it will make sense once you have read it”. Maybe writing about it will help. It’s been a while since I’ve slept; sleepless nights have become a norm to me in fact sleeping has become so foreign to me that when one mentions it I have to tap into my long term memory to understand what they are talking about.
At first I felt a bit of rage, anger and a whole lot of hate, does this guy even know how hard I have kept myself or what is left of me for my husband. I have gone through tremendous temptation and believe me when I say I tried so hard to make sure that I never cracked not even once but out of all that perseverance HE managed to walk in and because of the intoxicating liquids that were already present in my body HE began to rip the layers off me one by one; The layer of self-assurance, the layer of self-pride, the layer of self-adornment, the layer of trust, the layer of purity and future intimacy.
What had started off as a great night with friends had ended badly. That same day I picked myself up and went on with my life as if nothing had happened…wait 5hours after the incident I had actually convinced myself that I was fine and that life goes on. That thought was short lived as reality hit the moment the June 16 celebrations where over. Isn’t it Ironic that on such a remarkable day I was stripped of my dignity; my entire being.
Well I can’t tell you of the countless times the authorities had asked me if it was consensual or not I mean I don’t even know HE to begin with. After that I had a whole round of needles being poked in me and of course the great finale having being examined in my most private area, I assure you reader a visit to the gynaecologist is far more leisureable then the pain I went through. Getting my weight measured was the most depressing of all, I felt as if I had lost more than just my weight in a couple of hours and no later than 2 month had I realised the truth of that statement.
Not wanting to dwell on how sick I felt after the emergency ARVs where in my system and the pregnancy scare I had after not seeing my period I can safely say that things moved from being 1 dimension (me) to focusing on others. I soon realised that I was on earth with other people who had much bigger problems to deal with. Sadly no one was interested in my ordeals so in order to move on I had to start focusing on other people and how I could help them. Selfishly putting Christ aside I carried on with my life and things didn’t get better. I had always wondered why and how people turn away from God when they are facing trials it really puzzled me until I realised that I was doing this very puzzling thing. I’m grateful for the fact that whether I pray or not, whether I exalt Him or not He is still God because if it weren’t like that he would be playing see-saw on the throne. I have nothing but praise for the Almighty I believe that he brought me through it all. After having dropped the case I felt relieved I felt as if I had been in control of at least one thing and that was my ability to live. People close to me didn’t agree with my decision but it was mine to make and I don’t regret making it. As much as he had violated my being I didn’t feel compelled to be the one to carry out punishment but I know that my God has a heart of the Lamb and also of a lion and I believe this guys day will come and when it does I don’t want to be there to witness it.
6 months later and I feel more of a woman then I ever felt before. I feel stronger and most off all humbled. It has been a hard time for me and my family but the God I serve has been nothing but good to me. I thank God that I didn’t lose my mind in it all. The man in my life has been nothing but a living, walking image of the Love of Jesus Christ and that’s what humbles me the most; that in my hardest test God armed me with him who was in constant prayer and reminded me of the love of God in all that happened since I couldn’t even pick up the bible. During the past 6months I have experienced how it feels to be so close to God that I could literally feel his arms around me, I have also experienced being so far from God that you could swear I didn’t know he existed. In all he is my Rock and as I usher in a new year into my life I also usher Him in as Emmanuel for he is an omnipresent God and I believe that even this year he will continue to have favour upon my life and my family.