Yet shall I praise Him.
2012, what a year! The excitement had filled my heart since December 31st 2011; I was looking forward to this great year every pastor was on about in terms of prophecy and what God had said the year would entail. I knew the Lord had so many things in store for me, at the same time I did not overlook the fact that 2012 was going to be a mixture of good days and bad days. In this article is a REAL story of my life and journey in 2012 and what I am grateful for will be shared, the victories as well as the challenges.
In life, we sometimes live ignoring the fact that life is not life without the challenges it throws and I think this is because of the too many movies we watch. The kind of movies we are exposed to is the kind that shows a “perfect” world, a world without problems and flaws. This has caused a major falling away of many thus causing unnecessary heartaches, discouragement, bewilderment, wander and pain.
The year has been a very hectic one for me; my first experience in a university. The exposure to such architectural monstrosity and the new life was breathtaking. A life away from home, new friends, beautiful girls-yes I said that- and all beautiful people around me. The academic pressure and insurmountable workload: the kind I have never been exposed to, this really was all new to me. I thought I had the power to handle just about anything but the first year experience taught me a lesson or two about life.
Bound up by the excitement and new life at varsity, the workload kept on pilling and I was found with an inability to strike a balance between being an itinerant Pastor, a friend, a son and a student at Wits University. No one has ever fully prepared me for such pressure and for what was to come. I kept trying to fight the battle with balance until my health took a dive. I knew that failure to have this attended to would put me in great trouble, I then sought counsel from those around and close to me and was advised to take my health into serious consideration since life is too short and can only be lived once.
My health started to fail me and at this time there was no one to really support me in terms of my visits to the hospital for the doctor’s appointments, Physiotherapist for my chronic backache, Ear Nose and Throat (ENT) doctors for my voice/breathing problems and Psychologists/Counselors for my battle with depression. Doctors’ reports kept coming with all negative and depressing news and this was too heavy to handle all by myself.
As if my health issues weren’t enough, I began to lose people. Friends left me, I got betrayed by people I truly loved, confided in and trusted with my life. Now life was not getting any better. At this time, almost all my friends are married with wives and kids and my company and friendship had become somewhat outdated or not needed except when they were in marital problems since I would pray for them. I felt like an outcast as a single person and at times felt useless for not having the muscle enough to keep a relationship. I just ran out of ways to deal with questions asked by family and Christians with regards to “when” am I getting married.
It really felt so unfair being remembered for encouraging people in their troublesome situations when they did not even come back to check how I was doing and if I needed help in any way. This caused me to feel used for easing people’s pain when I myself was failing to have my own eased and was falling apart in the process. Life really felt unfair, all that was happening was not part of the prophetic word I had received at the beginning of the year concerning 2012; everything seemed to be going wrong. The well known “Pastor T” had become an emotional wreck. I had become professional in hiding it that no one knew I was slowly dying, I was screaming for the help I could not find because who will even start encouraging “Pastor T?” This was trouble.
This is the number one killer of many pastors, leaders and preachers. We always expected to be strong for people when they don’t even care how we’re doing. It becomes heavy to bear a people that cannot bear you in return. I believe this article will show the reader, if not remind them, that in as much as we are “the called,” we are still as human as you. We are humans that have sacrificed and are still sacrificing a lot to see you well and to walk in His divine call.
Our love for you, people of God, has brought a lot of pain as most of you don’t value what we do in the kingdom. I know we will get a reward with the Lord but I believe we need to be carried as well just as much as we carry you. This was how broken I was, I did not think I was going to boomerang and get my groove back, however, God’s ways are higher than ours.
My spiritual life on the other hand did not make sense at all, God’s promises looked bleak and God seemed to have forgotten about me. I felt left out and it was painful. I would go to the shower just to cry so no one could see; my roommates could not see me cry because I maintained a posture of a “very strong” man. I would not be feeling well but I would make sure I looked okay and would continue going to school because not going would bear negative outcomes which I had no more strength to bear.
In the midst of a tumultuous situation where even God did not make sense, I knew I needed a certain power to stabilize me between two worlds; between the sane and insane and that power had to be the burden removing, yoke destroying power of God, not the power from an unknown force or source. Over and above, God began to raise up a host of friends-though very younger than me- of whom without I couldn’t have made it. They made sure to be there for me, they saw to it that I went to see the doctor when and if need be. They started going with me to therapy sessions which was an awesome thing.
This validated the truth that God has plans to prosper us, He knew I was going to break into a million pieces hence He brought these friends who made life livable and enjoyable. Amazing enough, some of these friends were never born-again but the support they provided surpassed that which born-again believers failed to provide. I do not mean to criticize, but some Christians are far from being Christ-like. We really need to redefine what Christianity is or what it means to be a real follower of Jesus Christ.
Since I was doing well academically, my health posed a great threat to my academic life thus I had to keep myself rooted and grounded in the Lord. I had to find myself a new campus ministry which I could be restored back to my personal power and strength – having tried some. After a lengthy futile search, I finally found a campus ministry to which I can affiliate and get restored. I really was restored and helped before the devil could kill me. I thank God for this ministry.
Finding a spiritual home, the new friends (my dawgie dawg dagws, lol) who were there always, a study group to help with school work, my doctors and therapists made my life a success. I’m truly grateful for the fact that God did not allow my life to be snuffed out and made provision to bring me assistance in time. I would have fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (see Psalm 27:13- Paraphrased).
I can safely say in 2012 I have seen the embodiment of Romans 8:28 which says “all things works together for the good of them that love the Lord.” It all indeed worked for my good and for that I am grateful for all the things the Lord has done for me and the things He’s still going to do. I got well, I could bring my emotions in control and in order, I wrote exams in a stable and calm state until the last paper, all glory be to God without whom I would not have made it through.